I have not been good at getting up early in years. It's part of my personality. Unlike doing the thing I am doing in the moment and don't want to stop. That makes me late for the next thing. And on, and on and on. I go to bed late bc I want to do things. I like sleep, I don't want to get up.
But with my anxiety about illness has come a whole new layer of this: I am afraid to get up bc I am afraid of what the day will bring. I am avoiding some tasks. I am afraid of who will get sick. Maybe I am even afraid of who is going to need me, and for what. This last thought really stings, bc now I am also afraid of the future, afraid of not being needed...
Wednesday, January 30, 2019
My arm is cut off...
Whenever anyone leaves our small church, even for good, God honoring, God seeking reasons, I feel like my arm has been cut off. And that is how we are supposed to be, right? We are all a part of the body. The large one on the whole, but the local one as well. So it *should* feel bad when someone leaves, right? God is doing something in my little church. I fear that a statement that someone suggested will come to pass -that it will close down. And when anyone leaves, I wonder if I can be friends, and how I still will be. When there is not that weekly gathering at church bringing you together, how do you make one more occasion, playdate, one more computer message happen, when you aren't stellar at planning things.
I have decided I have abandonment issues. With the last people that left my church, I was wondering what anyone was doing wrong, what I had done, or could I have done anything to make them want to stay. I am like the girlfriend or boyfriend who suddenly gets dumped. No warning. Someone they love doesn't want to be with them anymore. It hurts, and you are left grasping at straws to get them back. But they're not coming back. And suddenly people that you care about and love,... you may never see them again.
I have decided I have abandonment issues. With the last people that left my church, I was wondering what anyone was doing wrong, what I had done, or could I have done anything to make them want to stay. I am like the girlfriend or boyfriend who suddenly gets dumped. No warning. Someone they love doesn't want to be with them anymore. It hurts, and you are left grasping at straws to get them back. But they're not coming back. And suddenly people that you care about and love,... you may never see them again.
Figures. I stay up late one night trying to get a project done, and I actually WORK on said project, and feel really good about it -but it leaves me short of sleep. So, I think it's ok, I will get sleep tmrw night. Except "tmrw night," the baby is awake in the night. For three hours. Interrupting some much needed personal time with the hubs. It was a good laugh for hubs and I. And truly, of course, I just want the baby to be healthy and ok. I am thankful though - it could have been up with sickness with one of the kids or myself. God spared me that, I think.
Saturday, January 20, 2018
Fear
One has a cold. One fell asleep on the couch in the early afternoon. Will the cold spread to the others? Is the one asleep on the couch just taking a nap? Or is she sick? Does she have a stomach bug?
My skin is crawling some. I can't move around my own home freely. One kid threw up earlier this week. Did she touch this chair? That toy? Did I spray every thing she touched? Should I wipe it too? The spray surely isn't covering all the surface, I can see that by how it dries... How many times do I need to wash the laundry before the virus germs are gone? What about the washing machine - I read the germs are staying in it. How can I get that clean??
The laundry us stacking up. The dishes are piling. I am afraid I am not doing enough to stop this germ in its tracks. But I can't touch anything! Nothing is truly clean!
My skin is crawling some. I can't move around my own home freely. One kid threw up earlier this week. Did she touch this chair? That toy? Did I spray every thing she touched? Should I wipe it too? The spray surely isn't covering all the surface, I can see that by how it dries... How many times do I need to wash the laundry before the virus germs are gone? What about the washing machine - I read the germs are staying in it. How can I get that clean??
The laundry us stacking up. The dishes are piling. I am afraid I am not doing enough to stop this germ in its tracks. But I can't touch anything! Nothing is truly clean!
Dark
It is so dark. Not outside, that's sunny. And "warm" for January at 45°. My fear makes the atmosphere, the air around me oppressive. Hope is missing. Going out is not fun because that means my sick kid will be near my healthy ones. And there are germs every where. I can't stand being home, except in my room, watching TV, playing on my phone. That feels safe for now.
This is no fun. I want to be free again.
This is no fun. I want to be free again.
Thursday, January 18, 2018
I see you over there. You take your kids to their sports practices, their dance classes, their swim lessons. And I long to be you.
I long for the freedom to just go somewhere and not worry about the consequences of picking up an illness. I wish I could even just read someone's fb post about their kids' extra curriculars and not see that so-in-so in their kid's class was ill (but came anyway, or got sick there).
I freak out at the thought.
And then I feel guilt. I feel I'm depriving my kids of all of this simply bc I can't do it.
I. Am. Afraid.
I long for the freedom to just go somewhere and not worry about the consequences of picking up an illness. I wish I could even just read someone's fb post about their kids' extra curriculars and not see that so-in-so in their kid's class was ill (but came anyway, or got sick there).
I freak out at the thought.
And then I feel guilt. I feel I'm depriving my kids of all of this simply bc I can't do it.
I. Am. Afraid.
Tuesday, September 20, 2016
This is going to be real. And maybe scary at times. But this is me. I NEVER want to seem ungrateful to God for all He has given me! And I hope He never views me as complaining or ungrateful as I write this. Because I am thankful for all of my blessings! And the things I really want to go away are the things I consider bad - my anxiety for example.
Right now, it is 10:21am. My 6 year old and 4 year old are downstairs watching tv. The 2 year old is in her crib, occassionally crying, wanting me to come get her so she can go downstairs too. But I want to stay in bed. And I know she needs rest from the busy almost 2 wonderful weeks we just had. But I am scared too. Last night, I checked on her while she slept and she sounded a little stuffy. And I do NOT want to deal with that. The "Do I keep her separate from her sisters so they don't get it too?" The "How do I get her better fast?"
In the past year, my anxiety over illness has gotten worse and worse. And thebmore I try and fix it, the worse it gets. Everyone's answer is, "You will just have to get over it. Everyone gets sick sometimes." Well, thanks people. Don't you think I WANT to turn this off? I'm a Christian: I am supposed to be anxious for nothing. Well, if you can somehow magically stop the physical responses I get - the increased,on-edge feeling, the mental focus on the one with the illness and cleaning everything that person has touched, the plague that fills my mind and body with PANIC, and the exhaustion that follows the panic attack - I am all ears. But very few will actually understand the things I say in this blog.
We came home from 12 days of joyous, wonderful vacation, and walking into the house made me feel trapped. Being with our 3 kids yesterday alongside my husband around made me wonder what it would be like to be living our lives without our beautiful children. DON'T get me wrong - I DO NOT WANT ANYTHING TO HAPPEN TO MY FAMILY!!! But when a person is so full of something causing her so much stress inside she just wants the stressor gone - to get back to a normal she thinks she once knew. Divorce played in my mind. Let him have full custody. I could do visitations and be able to give the kids back. To have an escape from these awful feelings consuming me. To have a safe space where no one is sick and I am not worried about sickness in there...
My mother commented that I did not seem as germaphobic on vacation. It was there, but she is right - it was less than normal. Some nights on vaca, I had dreams about which kid was going to throw up next. I was trying to hide from my mother that my oldest and my husband had colds, because she has a lesser degree of this anxiety, too. She is at least better that once she's been around a sick person she feels it's too late, she's been exposed. She doesn't put her children in baths after playing with friends or family trying to wash off the others' cold germs or call her kids inside to come wash their hands just because they knocked on a neighbor's door to play only to discover their friend was sick and couldn't play.
This anxiety is hurting me, my husband, my kids. He is frustrated. I fear they will get hurt by this. Feeling this impending sense of doom so often is making my life miserable and my heart ache. I think the answer is probably simpler then I realize... but for now, I need to get out of this bed.
Right now, it is 10:21am. My 6 year old and 4 year old are downstairs watching tv. The 2 year old is in her crib, occassionally crying, wanting me to come get her so she can go downstairs too. But I want to stay in bed. And I know she needs rest from the busy almost 2 wonderful weeks we just had. But I am scared too. Last night, I checked on her while she slept and she sounded a little stuffy. And I do NOT want to deal with that. The "Do I keep her separate from her sisters so they don't get it too?" The "How do I get her better fast?"
In the past year, my anxiety over illness has gotten worse and worse. And thebmore I try and fix it, the worse it gets. Everyone's answer is, "You will just have to get over it. Everyone gets sick sometimes." Well, thanks people. Don't you think I WANT to turn this off? I'm a Christian: I am supposed to be anxious for nothing. Well, if you can somehow magically stop the physical responses I get - the increased,on-edge feeling, the mental focus on the one with the illness and cleaning everything that person has touched, the plague that fills my mind and body with PANIC, and the exhaustion that follows the panic attack - I am all ears. But very few will actually understand the things I say in this blog.
We came home from 12 days of joyous, wonderful vacation, and walking into the house made me feel trapped. Being with our 3 kids yesterday alongside my husband around made me wonder what it would be like to be living our lives without our beautiful children. DON'T get me wrong - I DO NOT WANT ANYTHING TO HAPPEN TO MY FAMILY!!! But when a person is so full of something causing her so much stress inside she just wants the stressor gone - to get back to a normal she thinks she once knew. Divorce played in my mind. Let him have full custody. I could do visitations and be able to give the kids back. To have an escape from these awful feelings consuming me. To have a safe space where no one is sick and I am not worried about sickness in there...
My mother commented that I did not seem as germaphobic on vacation. It was there, but she is right - it was less than normal. Some nights on vaca, I had dreams about which kid was going to throw up next. I was trying to hide from my mother that my oldest and my husband had colds, because she has a lesser degree of this anxiety, too. She is at least better that once she's been around a sick person she feels it's too late, she's been exposed. She doesn't put her children in baths after playing with friends or family trying to wash off the others' cold germs or call her kids inside to come wash their hands just because they knocked on a neighbor's door to play only to discover their friend was sick and couldn't play.
This anxiety is hurting me, my husband, my kids. He is frustrated. I fear they will get hurt by this. Feeling this impending sense of doom so often is making my life miserable and my heart ache. I think the answer is probably simpler then I realize... but for now, I need to get out of this bed.
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