Fear

One has a cold. One fell asleep on the couch in the early afternoon. Will the cold spread to the others? Is the one asleep on the couch just taking a nap? Or is she sick? Does she have a stomach bug?
My skin is crawling some. I can't move around my own home freely. One kid threw up earlier this week. Did she touch this chair? That toy? Did I spray every thing she touched? Should I wipe it too? The spray surely isn't covering all the surface, I can see that by how it dries... How many times do I need to wash the laundry before the virus germs are gone? What about the washing machine - I read the germs are staying in it. How can I get that clean??
The laundry us stacking up. The dishes are piling. I am afraid I am not doing enough to stop this germ in its tracks. But I can't touch anything! Nothing is truly clean!

Dark

It is so dark. Not outside, that's sunny. And "warm" for January at 45°. My fear makes the atmosphere, the air around me oppressive. Hope is missing. Going out is not fun because that means my sick kid will be near my healthy ones. And there are germs every where. I can't stand being home, except in my room, watching TV, playing on my phone. That feels safe for now.
This is no fun. I want to be free again.

I see you over there. You take your kids to their sports practices, their dance classes, their swim lessons. And I long to be you.

I long for the freedom to just go somewhere and not worry about the consequences of picking up an illness. I wish I could even just read someone's fb post about their kids' extra curriculars and not see that so-in-so in their kid's class was ill (but came anyway, or got sick there).

I freak out at the thought.

And then I feel guilt. I feel I'm depriving my kids of all of this simply bc I can't do it.

I. Am. Afraid.