This is going to be real. And maybe scary at times. But this is me. I NEVER want to seem ungrateful to God for all He has given me! And I hope He never views me as complaining or ungrateful as I write this. Because I am thankful for all of my blessings! And the things I really want to go away are the things I consider bad - my anxiety for example.
Right now, it is 10:21am. My 6 year old and 4 year old are downstairs watching tv. The 2 year old is in her crib, occassionally crying, wanting me to come get her so she can go downstairs too. But I want to stay in bed. And I know she needs rest from the busy almost 2 wonderful weeks we just had. But I am scared too. Last night, I checked on her while she slept and she sounded a little stuffy. And I do NOT want to deal with that. The "Do I keep her separate from her sisters so they don't get it too?" The "How do I get her better fast?"

In the past year, my anxiety over illness has gotten worse and worse. And thebmore I try and fix it, the worse it gets. Everyone's answer is, "You will just have to get over it. Everyone gets sick sometimes." Well, thanks people. Don't you think I WANT to turn this off? I'm a Christian: I am supposed to be anxious for nothing. Well, if you can somehow magically stop the physical responses I get - the increased,on-edge feeling, the mental focus on the one with the illness and cleaning everything that person has touched, the plague that fills my mind and body with PANIC, and the exhaustion that follows the panic attack - I am all ears. But very few will actually understand the things I say in this blog.

We came home from 12 days of joyous, wonderful vacation, and walking into the house made me feel trapped. Being with our 3 kids yesterday alongside my husband around made me wonder what it would be like to be living our lives without our beautiful children. DON'T get me wrong - I DO NOT WANT ANYTHING TO HAPPEN TO MY FAMILY!!! But when a person is so full of something causing her so much stress inside she just wants the stressor gone - to get back to a normal she thinks she once knew. Divorce played in my mind. Let him have full custody. I could do visitations and be able to give the kids back. To have an escape from these awful feelings consuming me. To have a safe space where no one is sick and I am not worried about sickness in there...
My mother commented that I did not seem as germaphobic on vacation. It was there, but she is right - it was less than normal. Some nights on vaca, I had dreams about which kid was going to throw up next. I was trying to hide from my mother that my oldest and my husband had colds, because she has a lesser degree of this anxiety, too. She is at least better that once she's been around a sick person she feels it's too late, she's been exposed. She doesn't put her children in baths after playing with friends or family trying to wash off the others' cold germs or call her kids inside to come wash their hands just because they knocked on a neighbor's door to play only to discover their friend was sick and couldn't play.

This anxiety is hurting me, my husband, my kids. He is frustrated. I fear they will get hurt by this. Feeling this impending sense of doom so often is making my life miserable and my heart ache. I think the answer is probably simpler then I realize... but for now, I need to get out of this bed.